Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
— Robert Browning
We all recognise that we have to mourn for what is being given up before we can move on; and that we do this from infancy onwards. It was Sigmund Freud (1917) who first differentiated this normal mourning process from pathological grief. He understood that when we can accept our losses in the outer world, relationships that have ended there become a part of and enrich our inner reality.
I would like to begin by defining the words 'creative' and 'couple' as they relate to this paper. When I speak of creativity I am not thinking of the capacity to paint a picture, write a book or design a house — rather I am thinking of the ability to find a (triangular) mental space within which something 'new' can happen.
This brings me to my definition of 'couple' for the purpose of this paper. What I mean by a couple here is two people who can move with ease between intimacy and separateness in relation to one another. If a couple can allow for space between them, and do not anticipate what the other is thinking or feeling, but remain curious and interested in the 'otherness' of the other, then, I am suggesting, there is a creative marriage in process.
I have noticed that there is a profound difference when working with a couple in their twenties, thirties or even forties than with a couple in their fifties or sixties, regardless of the presenting problem. The older couple arrives in a different space, perhaps with a less florid problem, but with an air of weariness that is almost palpable.
When I think of two older people in a long-term relationship, usually a marriage, I have two images in my mind. One is of Darby and Joan, a fused couple sitting side by side on the sofa, often locked in a metaphorical deadly embrace, leaving no room for either of them to be alone. The second image I have is of two people who have reaped the rewards of a fulfilled life but are living parallel lives.
What allows a couple to continue into old age as a creative and vibrant couple? Like every other stage of life that is negotiated and moved on from, I am suggesting that the couple need to mourn for their losses.
It is terribly hard for a couple to see aging reflected in their partner's face; everything in us screams this can't be so, and it is often the case that in an attempt to rid ourselves of the terrible truth we leave our partner, hoping that in splitting them off we will be splitting old age off too.
When we fall in love we believe we will never be lonely again — do we not promise each other lifelong companionship and support? To know that there will be a true separation and still to love, to find independence whilst allowing oneself to be dependent; to face the wasted years and mourn the glorious years that have gone — it's all very difficult. The price we pay for love and creativity is grief.
© Pauline Hodson